National In The Hot Seat

National In The Hot Seat

For those of you who have been holidaying on Mars for the last few weeks, there have been a lot of column inches devoted to the fact that Mr Key and his National friends at the beehive decided to treat the nation to a rather flash set of new BMWs.

This was a decision which clearly angered the proletariat, because there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth from people furious that the government would be wafting around in the lap of luxury while the rest of us could no longer afford petrol. Or milk. However like all media storms, this one seemed to have taken its particular tea cup off the front pages and I suspected that it was never to be seen again.

But I’d reckoned without the tenacity of Labour’s Internal Affairs Spokesperson Chris Hipkins, who sprung up last week and launched a fresh tirade because one of our new fleet has been fitted with a $1000 heated seat upgrade to stop JK and his cronies getting chilly posteriors. Now this is news, because when it comes to the general election later in the year, this seemingly trivial matter highlights a much bigger issue that could cause people to seriously question where to place their vote.

Hot seats could help NZ into the driving seat


Labour, it seems, is happy to employ a complete idiot as Internal Affairs Spokesperson.

Only a gibbering buffoon would think that these cars are being bought for the benefit of the government. Sure, the majority of their mileage may come from ferrying our politicians about, but the primary task is to provide a cosseting and upmarket travel experience when foreign dignitaries come to town.

And it’s very important to realise that these people are not Kiwis. They will not look at second rate hospitality and think that we are good fellas for doing a bit of prudent belt-tightening. These are people at the top of their tree for either economic, business or political reasons and they want to be treated as such. They want their hotels to come with five stars, their dinner to be cooked by a celebrity chef and on frosty mornings they want to know that their buttocks will be kept at an agreeably toasty temperature on long journeys. Show them a suitably sumptuous time and they – along with their monstrously fat wallets – will keep coming back. Treat them like a middle management pleb whose company is on an economy drive and don’t be surprised if the next jaunt stops at Sydney.

If it helps to seal the next big Fonterra contract, the money spent on these cars will have been very small potatoes indeed. And with that in mind, I suspect we could be making the automotive world work a lot harder for the interests of our nation.

Therefore I propose that on the bottom of the purchase order for the Bimmers, the government adds on a couple of lines for a Hulme CanAm and the ‘consultancy’ services of a certain Greg Murphy. Having a genuine motor racing legend at their beck and call – along with access to every possible race track for a few laps in our own Kiwi super car – is the kind of otherworldly experience required to fix brand New Zealand favourably in the minds of the rich, influential people we need on our side in these difficult times. Yes it’s outrageously ostentatious, but those are the sort of hands you need to play to be a winner on the field of international commerce.

Although just to keep the herd happy, I’d be prepared to compromise and have the CanAm without heated seats. Sorry Greg.

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